Ever wondered why you’re strangely drawn to the dancing lady emoji, or what your frequent use of the crying cat says about you? A new Tumblr called Emojinalysis will psychoanalyse your most recently used emoji and tell you what’s up.
The man behind the armchair psychoanalysis is Dan Brill, a copywriter for a Manhattan-based ad agency called Droga5. While he isn’t a licensed therapist (and god knows what Freud would say about all this), he is currently accepting new patients. If you want your emoji analysed, email him a screen shot of your most recently used emoji along with your first name and age.
Subject 44: Shon, 19
I’ve been told by so-called “legitimate” psychoanalysts that if I want to be taken seriously, I need to publish. So here’s my first thesis: “Cactusism.” As anyone who’s ever been thirsty in the desert – or got too cute with the office decorations – knows, a cactus can seem alluring (Heart eyes, Cherry blossom), but ends up being a stabby, prickly mess (Knife, Skull, and the ominous Heavy X.) Cacti act like it’s your fault you’re bleeding, but they know what they did. You, Shon, are a Cactus.
Diagnostic emoji: Cactus (obvi)
Prescribed emoji: No entry sign
Subject 43: Pierrick, 28
Some pretty random stuff in here. Mens symbol. Octopus. The always confounding Chestnut. This is what it would look like if an NYC Subway Conductor used emojis. As in, I think I get the gist of what you’re saying, but all I heard was “Tent, Bear face, Full moon symbol.” I want to analyze you, Pierrick, but unfortunately we’re on the WTF Train and it just went express.
Diagnostic emoji: Face without mouth + Metro
Prescribed emoji: Speaker with three sound waves
Subject 42: Joanna, 29
You probably think I’m worried about your diet. But I’m an Emojinalysist, not EmoJillianMichaels. What really confuses me here is the fax machine. Who uses emojis and a fax machine? That’s like doing your taxes on an iPad and then delivering them by horseback. Actually, is that why you eat so poorly? Are you following the Medieval method of eating as much fat as possible to keep your four humours in balance?
Diagnostic emoji: Floppy disk + Pager
Prescribed emoji: Calendar
Subject 49: Riva, 30
You’re one of those people who can just eat whatever they want, aren’t you? Nobody uses Surfer and Hamburger. Nobody picks the Horse as their emoji spirit guide while gnawing a battered Poultry leg. A Fried shrimp and a freakin’ Leopard? Are you mocking me? I’d say more but I’ve gotta go “Face savoring delicious food” on a green juice while I’m really “Loudly crying face” inside. You’re the worst.
Diagnostic emoji: Face with open mouth + All the food emojis
Prescribed emoji: Pile of poo
AC 