(By Hannah Gale) 1. You won’t ever be able to go to the Natural History Museum. The queue (made up entirely of excited tourists who will bump into you constantly if you try and join said queue) will terrify you. Instead you’ll make the bold decision to mosey on down to the V&A, and, wait for it… be thoroughly disappointed. Don’t act so surprised, we were all secretly thinking it…
2. Drinking will seem perfectly acceptable at all times. School nights don’t exist and you’ll find yourself necking 2-4-1 martinis on a Monday night without a care in the world. You’ll only notice that things might not be quite so wonderful when your doctor asks how many units you get through in a week… Oh.
3. You’ll be glued to Buzzfeed and London Grumblr for 62% of the time. Because the only people who will ever understand you now are fellow Londoners.
4 .You’ll realise that travelling anywhere outside of the M25 is like travelling to Mordor. Sort of. It’ll require walking, buses, tubes, trains, hovercrafts and jet-packs. Have fun.
5. You will never have money, ever. How ever much you earn, your rent, cocktail intake and spontaneous holiday bookings will ensure you are entirely broke, always and forever.
6. You’ll constantly contemplate moving out to the country. Upon checking what your wage would be outside of London/ how early you’d have to set your alarm to commute in, you’ll pull a massive sulk and drink some wine to make up for the upsetting news.
7. Those outside London will imagine your life to revolve around cocktails on roof terraces, dinners at the latest pop up restaurants and a lot of time pounding Oxford Street and Harrods. In reality you’ll spend a lot of time under the duvet watching Breaking Bad. Although you’ll only post the former on social media, because, y’know, it’s fun to create an illusional persona isn’t it?
8. It’s ok to sit in McDonalds all alone and eat a large meal. Whether you’re hungover, drunk or just a bit peckish. No-one will judge and it’s not embarrassing. Phew.
9. You’ll become a pro at walking. In heels, whilst eating a sandwich, texting, Instagramming, holding an umbrella, going up stairs AND not touching anyone. Olympic skills right there.
10. Everytime someone sneezes on public transport you’ll have a mild panic over whether you should say bless you. And then, instead, you’ll look away and get your antibacterial gel out.
11. Children taking up seats on the tube/talking loudly/crying at rush hour will always make your blood boil so much you’ll swear you never have kids. That, or only ferry them around by car.
12. Even if you won’t admit it, you’ll always think you’re slightly cooler than non-Londoners. Although you’ll happily discuss it with fellow Londoners. Stuck up snob.